I teamed up with Jay Rooke of Know Pain Know Gain to record this fun podcast about creating and maintaining a healthy, supportive, and relationship as an entrepreneur, freelancer, or independent money maker! Check it out.
Then join the Love Your Love Life Challenge happening May 6-10!
Have you ever fallen in love? I’m sorry. Here’s why.
Do you fall in love?
I’m about to say something that could potentially blow your mind about falling in love.
You may totally resist it. You may not like it. You may even hate it.
And that’s okay.
But you deserve to hear & know it so that you have a better experience around it.
Okay here it comes:
Falling in love is what has kept you from the love you’ve wanted.
Stay with me here. Let’s talk about why.
You’re walking along in a beautiful office building with polished wooden floor. The place gets great light: the large windows allow the sunshine to warm the skin of your arms while you look out on the view of gently swaying palm trees … and you remember that in this place you are only a few minutes’ drive from the sand, sweet salty smell of the water, and ocean breeze. You allow yourself to drift onto a lounge chair in your mind -- a much needed mental escape from the current slow pacing back & forth outside the stuffy meeting room of whoever owns the place -- and it feels nice...relaxing...peaceful...
Then you step on something super slippery, fall down, and hit the ground on your face.
Depending on the slippery thing that catalyzed your fall, and what else is around you, the experience may have caused varying degrees of pain … but I think it’s safe to say
Now of course there are many who would argue that pain is pleasurable (and I wouldn’t always disagree!). But let’s be honest-- if you would’ve seen the slippery thing on your path, would you have wanted to step on it if you knew you’d fall on your face?
I’m going to make a solid psychology-backed assumption and say no.
Some of the reasons “falling” is problematic as a romanticized ideological representation of what true love feels like include:
Yet somehow we are taught that this is the ultimate experience we want to feel when it comes to love and relationship.
And these three things above are problematic because it leads us unconsciously (and/or consciously) to certain presumptions about love:
You’ve likely heard #1. (I’m thinking of a classic song by its title…)
Combine that with #2 and #3 and BOOM!
Complete disempowerment around love.
This disempowerment is how you unknowingly become a victim of your circumstances. Enduring years of the same base storyline repeating itself, with you as the lead and perhaps different (potential) partners as the antagonists, or the same antagonist(s) over a period of however long you’ve been together. Why? Because with internalized convictions that “love hurts,” it happens TO YOU, and you have no say … you will inevitably and always be a victim.
I know...This sounds dark.
That’s because it is. This is the underbelly of this romanticized notion of love that we don’t acknowledge...just like there’s the dark underbelly of Hollywood (that throughout our lives has shown us countless reinforcements for the notion of “falling in love”).
Don’t worry, there’s an alternative.
I believe in love.
I believe in the potential of love.
The beauty that love can bring to our lives, the sense of support, acceptance, connection, passion and the potential that comes with it...
You’re reading this because you do too.
So let’s talk about another way.
Because you don’t have to “fall in love” and fall under the spell of the subconscious presumptions that can create.
You don’t have to be the victim.
No matter what’s happened in your past, you can create a different experience in relationship.
(I’ve been there. I know.)
Here’s the thing: because the language of “falling in love” unconsciously reinforces disempowering presumptions--that are widely held and perpetuated by society at large--consciously choosing to shift your language around the subject can actually start to help you become more empowered in love. When you’re empowered in love, then you can consciously create the kind of relationship that uniquely suits you …
… And not just suits you, but is amazing for you … beyond your wildest dreams.
(I know because that’s what I have.)
So I have a couple alternative phrases for you to try on instead:
The first time I learned about this concept was actually from an ex, who had gone to therapy most of his life for trauma that lasted almost his entire childhood. One day he told me that
“not even the best therapist in the world could’ve changed me [back then]...because I wasn’t ready to [change].”
Then it clicked for me.
It’s a simple concept really: people can’t force us to feel (or not feel) things we don’t already feel inclined (or not inclined) to feel. Same goes for our convictions, and what we choose to believe is true about our lives. We get to choose to give in to something -- be it a change of feelings, or heart, or of mind.
If you’ve ever experienced a hypnosis session, the hypnotist knows that they cannot influence you unless you accept the influence. That’s why it “doesn’t work” on some people. When I had my first hypnosis experience (a quantum healing hypnotherapy session - QHHT), there were actually a number of times I wanted to just jump up off the couch and say, “Okay I’m over it; get out of my house.” But I had committed to myself a strong intention, which was to surrender to the process. That commitment sustained me for the many times I wanted out during the almost 4 hours lying on that sofa!
Which brings me to the second alternative:
I only learned in the last years how vulnerability is truly strength, but many are still under the influence of believing vulnerability = weak. We feel vulnerable when we’re not “in control” of a situation. And in many ways, in those cases we are. Attempting to control is the most common way we work to circumvent vulnerability. Trust actually requires us to give up this kind of attempt to control our circumstances. And trust is the only way to surrender to anything … especially love.
Surrendering is also important to distinguish from “giving up.” When you “give up,” you’re relinquishing, often quitting something you wanted (or thought you did). The energy of giving up is that you could no longer hold up the fight, that you. When you surrender, you choose to trust in the process of whatever it is that you’re surrendering to. The energy behind surrendering is one that maintains your sovereignty and personal free will, which is important to maintain. Why? Because we our sovereignty and free will are two important keys to empowerment, especially when it comes to love.
You get to choose trust, surrender, and love. Those things don’t happen to us. Once you recognize our power to choose, you get the keys to consciously create a new kind of love story for yourself … this time with your partner(s) -- or potential partner[s] -- as supporting cast members.
Lisa Dennen-Young, M.A. is on a mission to create a world that knows healthy relationship from the inside out. An intuitive polyglot, forensic linguist, and relationship expert, Lisa incorporates a blend of lighthearted depth + multifaceted expression [including songwriting, dancing, coaching, writing, singing, poetry, and more] to inspire women to live beyond fear and open themselves to what true love has to offer.
Join the LOVE YOUR LOVE LIFE Challenge, starting May 6!
I just read my old bio for the first time in a long time…
...And I’m not a fan.
I took one look at the old way of thinking represented and thought, “f**k this.”
I’ll tell you why below.
Here is the old bio:
“Expertly trained in the language of conversation and an award-winning linguist, Lisa Young, MA has lived much of her life as a cultural chameleon, learning the languages of and fitting herself into cultures around the world. (After one month in a place, she was often mistaken for a native!) She is a polyglot, one of the first Masters in Forensic Linguistics in the United States as a linguistic profiler, and was trained by America's top forensic linguists and the FBI linguist who broke the Unabomber case of the 1990s.
In her over 12 years working with relationship dynamics, Lisa has represented fortune 500 clients like Intel, IBM, and Philips, and has traveled the world speaking to global audiences about culture and connection. Lisa supports conscious, driven, and successful women to create abundant powerhouse relationship where they are supported in their visionary goals, accepted for 100% of who they are, and loved without limitation. Lisa and her partner also perform as Loveangelists, a folk pop/rock duo singing uplifting songs of empowerment, love, and creating your best life.”
Before I rip this to shreds, some context:
I recognize the dedication and drive it took to achieve each of these things...including those things that I realize now hold me back rather than help me progress. I acknowledge that I was doing what I believed was the best thing for me at the time. I looked at what I was passionate about and took action toward it.
And as I grow wiser, accept myself more, and embrace who I am, I find it difficult to look at my interpretation many of these pieces of “credibility.” I also am baffled at some of the things I found notable about myself.
Now onto the shredding:
1. “Cultural chameleon.” At one point, I thought this was the absolute greatest skill I had. In fact, there was a time I’d penned five chapters of a book with this title so that everyone would be able to learn the skill of completely transforming themselves and blending into the background of another city or country’s social constructs. In one way it was great, because it meant I could learn a language to proficiency in a short period of time.
The real problem here was that my craving to deeply connect with others in their mother tongues led me to completely abandon myself in order to do it. Unlike the chameleon who changes color to intentionally camouflage itself, for me it was so much more than just language. I was unconsciously tractable. I would return from a self-guided research immersion in a different country having unknowingly brought with me the accent of its people while walking, dressing, and interacting like them.
2. “...fitting herself into…” Lisa in 2019: I don’t need to fit myself into anything, anywhere, with anyone. How dare I ever take pride in diminishing myself to hope to belong.
3. “...Often mistaken for a native.” Now why in the world was I so proud that I could contort myself so well that I could be mistaken for someone I’m not? I’m not an actress (well, no current plans anyway, haha), and I don’t work undercover for the CIA (nor would I want to, though I was asked). This skill does not help me live the life I want to live--it holds me back from what I’m here to do. I am here to live a life where I am truly me, without conforming to be what others would call “normal.” Why the **** (insert your fave there) would I want normal when I can be extraordinary? And why would I ever want to “fit in” in order for others to accept me when I can simply accept myself and really start living?
NB: I do recognize the skill of “fitting in” to another culture/place is a worthy skill for some professions and lifestyles (examples listed above). As someone who places paramount value on being myself in every moment, I am appalled to have ever been so amped that I’d gained the skill of fairly unconsciously disconnecting from myself to be like another.
4. “Forensic Linguistics.” Forensic Linguistics is COOL. Hella cool (yeah I say hella now; I like this word.) The ability to profile someone based on their language use for the purposes of serving justice is in my opinion the most useful form of profiling there is. And, as someone who spent time working on Diversity Equity & Inclusion (DEI), I also see how profiling is a problem. For now, I stand by linguistic profiling as one of the most effective ways to quickly understand the most information possible about a person’s lived experience when processing evidence and seeking justice in legal cases & the court of law. (If this one is flying over your head that’s okay, very few have ever heard of Forensic Linguistics. It’s worth a Google/Bing search, along with “authorship attribution” and “speaker identification.”)
5. Only referencing “fortune 500s.” Why did I find it more valuable to have worked with them than the small businesses, non-profit organizations, community colleges, universities, etc I’ve partnered with and shared my expertise with? I’d rather revel in that not only did I work for money from the elite, but that I also easily connect with and support all kinds of people from of all walks of life.
6. My mission. Where was my driving force, my WHY? What was I doing all that for? Why did I care, and why should have anyone else? Perhaps at the time I wrote the old bio I actually didn’t know.
The one most important piece of credibility that I believe I’ll ever need is 100% missing from this old bio.
After all these years of trying to--and with great success--fit in, disconnecting from myself in order to shallowly connect with others, and pretending that temporal experience equals mastery (hint: it doesn’t!), I finally have decided that I accept myself in my entirety.
I know my strengths. I know my shadows. I know what I do and don’t like. I know what I need and I own those needs and speak up for them. I know my worth. I can say when I don’t know. I have the courage to meet fear and grab it by the hand as I run (or walk, crawl, fly, hike, paddle, snorkel, jump, or dive) toward what awaits just beyond my comfort zone.
I learned to trust myself, and I help others do the same for themselves in the moments it matters most.
So after all that, I’ve decided on a new bio.
Here it is (with the name update! I just got married woohoo!):
Lisa Dennen-Young, M.A. is on a mission to show people what true love and healthy relationship is while helping them create it for themselves. An intuitive polyglot and one of the first Masters in Forensic Linguistics in the United States, Lisa trained with America's top forensic linguists and the FBI linguist who broke the Unabomber case of the 1990s.
Over the last 12+ years, Lisa has generated millions of dollars of revenue for fortune 500 clients and spoken to global audiences of business owners, educators, corporate & nonprofit professionals, students, and entrepreneurs about cross-cultural connection and relationship dynamics. Lisa also coaches high-achieving women to find their inner voice and bring it out into world for better relationships of all kinds.
Through sharing her music, mentorship, speaking, writing, and upcoming podcast, Lisa imparts inspiration of what’s possible when we choose ourselves, live beyond fear, and open ourselves to what true love has to offer.
Is it 100% “there” yet?
I don’t think so. I expect my bio will always evolve as I do. And I’m still discovering how to work in my one most important piece of credibility.
It is a step in the right direction?
Here's to all of us embracing the truth of who we are -- that's where both love and compassion truly begin.
With you on your journey in love,
I joined Leyna Roget Brabant (pictured below) of Playful Priestess Collective for her weekly video series Together we Empower!
Together we discuss:
1. how society sets us up for crappy relationships
2. how love can be an empowering choice
3. the Awareness Shake practice (that's fast & fun)!
4. the inside-out POP Approach I teach my clients!
AND, I get real about my experience with unhealthy relationships in the past and how I transformed my experience to create the incredibly deep, passionate & loving Empowered Relationship I have now!
Here's the live video from her Facebook group page. Enjoy!
[You'll want to fast forward to minute 4:00 when the technical difficulties have passed! :-) ]