Have you ever fallen in love? I’m sorry. Here’s why.
Do you fall in love?
I’m about to say something that could potentially blow your mind about falling in love.
You may totally resist it. You may not like it. You may even hate it.
And that’s okay.
But you deserve to hear & know it so that you have a better experience around it.
Okay here it comes:
Falling in love is what has kept you from the love you’ve wanted.
Stay with me here. Let’s talk about why.
You’re walking along in a beautiful office building with polished wooden floor. The place gets great light: the large windows allow the sunshine to warm the skin of your arms while you look out on the view of gently swaying palm trees … and you remember that in this place you are only a few minutes’ drive from the sand, sweet salty smell of the water, and ocean breeze. You allow yourself to drift onto a lounge chair in your mind -- a much needed mental escape from the current slow pacing back & forth outside the stuffy meeting room of whoever owns the place -- and it feels nice...relaxing...peaceful...
Then you step on something super slippery, fall down, and hit the ground on your face.
Depending on the slippery thing that catalyzed your fall, and what else is around you, the experience may have caused varying degrees of pain … but I think it’s safe to say
Now of course there are many who would argue that pain is pleasurable (and I wouldn’t always disagree!). But let’s be honest-- if you would’ve seen the slippery thing on your path, would you have wanted to step on it if you knew you’d fall on your face?
I’m going to make a solid psychology-backed assumption and say no.
Some of the reasons “falling” is problematic as a romanticized ideological representation of what true love feels like include:
Yet somehow we are taught that this is the ultimate experience we want to feel when it comes to love and relationship.
And these three things above are problematic because it leads us unconsciously (and/or consciously) to certain presumptions about love:
You’ve likely heard #1. (I’m thinking of a classic song by its title…)
Combine that with #2 and #3 and BOOM!
Complete disempowerment around love.
This disempowerment is how you unknowingly become a victim of your circumstances. Enduring years of the same base storyline repeating itself, with you as the lead and perhaps different (potential) partners as the antagonists, or the same antagonist(s) over a period of however long you’ve been together. Why? Because with internalized convictions that “love hurts,” it happens TO YOU, and you have no say … you will inevitably and always be a victim.
I know...This sounds dark.
That’s because it is. This is the underbelly of this romanticized notion of love that we don’t acknowledge...just like there’s the dark underbelly of Hollywood (that throughout our lives has shown us countless reinforcements for the notion of “falling in love”).
Don’t worry, there’s an alternative.
I believe in love.
I believe in the potential of love.
The beauty that love can bring to our lives, the sense of support, acceptance, connection, passion and the potential that comes with it...
You’re reading this because you do too.
So let’s talk about another way.
Because you don’t have to “fall in love” and fall under the spell of the subconscious presumptions that can create.
You don’t have to be the victim.
No matter what’s happened in your past, you can create a different experience in relationship.
(I’ve been there. I know.)
Here’s the thing: because the language of “falling in love” unconsciously reinforces disempowering presumptions--that are widely held and perpetuated by society at large--consciously choosing to shift your language around the subject can actually start to help you become more empowered in love. When you’re empowered in love, then you can consciously create the kind of relationship that uniquely suits you …
… And not just suits you, but is amazing for you … beyond your wildest dreams.
(I know because that’s what I have.)
So I have a couple alternative phrases for you to try on instead:
The first time I learned about this concept was actually from an ex, who had gone to therapy most of his life for trauma that lasted almost his entire childhood. One day he told me that
“not even the best therapist in the world could’ve changed me [back then]...because I wasn’t ready to [change].”
Then it clicked for me.
It’s a simple concept really: people can’t force us to feel (or not feel) things we don’t already feel inclined (or not inclined) to feel. Same goes for our convictions, and what we choose to believe is true about our lives. We get to choose to give in to something -- be it a change of feelings, or heart, or of mind.
If you’ve ever experienced a hypnosis session, the hypnotist knows that they cannot influence you unless you accept the influence. That’s why it “doesn’t work” on some people. When I had my first hypnosis experience (a quantum healing hypnotherapy session - QHHT), there were actually a number of times I wanted to just jump up off the couch and say, “Okay I’m over it; get out of my house.” But I had committed to myself a strong intention, which was to surrender to the process. That commitment sustained me for the many times I wanted out during the almost 4 hours lying on that sofa!
Which brings me to the second alternative:
I only learned in the last years how vulnerability is truly strength, but many are still under the influence of believing vulnerability = weak. We feel vulnerable when we’re not “in control” of a situation. And in many ways, in those cases we are. Attempting to control is the most common way we work to circumvent vulnerability. Trust actually requires us to give up this kind of attempt to control our circumstances. And trust is the only way to surrender to anything … especially love.
Surrendering is also important to distinguish from “giving up.” When you “give up,” you’re relinquishing, often quitting something you wanted (or thought you did). The energy of giving up is that you could no longer hold up the fight, that you. When you surrender, you choose to trust in the process of whatever it is that you’re surrendering to. The energy behind surrendering is one that maintains your sovereignty and personal free will, which is important to maintain. Why? Because we our sovereignty and free will are two important keys to empowerment, especially when it comes to love.
You get to choose trust, surrender, and love. Those things don’t happen to us. Once you recognize our power to choose, you get the keys to consciously create a new kind of love story for yourself … this time with your partner(s) -- or potential partner[s] -- as supporting cast members.
Lisa Dennen-Young, M.A. is on a mission to create a world that knows healthy relationship from the inside out. An intuitive polyglot, forensic linguist, and relationship expert, Lisa incorporates a blend of lighthearted depth + multifaceted expression [including songwriting, dancing, coaching, writing, singing, poetry, and more] to inspire women to live beyond fear and open themselves to what true love has to offer.
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